i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
