Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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