I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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