Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
