I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
