Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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