it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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