he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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