mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
