3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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