tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
