I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
