Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's blow job season.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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