We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
