Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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