A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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