Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
