guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
