who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
