My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
there's paper in my vomit.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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