A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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