I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
