I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
