she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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