Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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