Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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