It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
