its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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