I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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