after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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