im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
