My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
