i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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