ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
