I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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