Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
