Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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