Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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