Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
