I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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