i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
