That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
