a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
