Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
