She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
