I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
