FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
