this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
