Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
