I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
